A Tale of Two Neighbors

Otherwise known as.... What Was I Thinking?

Two and a half years ago I began to date my next-door neighbor.  I was hosting a party the following weekend, and so I went over to invite "Dean" to the gathering.  Mostly, I expected a lot of cars to be on the street and didn't want him to get disgruntled and call the authorities... but also we had lived next to each other for over three years and I had yet to get him to say as much as "Good morning" due to the fact that he wore ear buds in his ears at all times, listening to 80s hair bands.  So, anyway, I knocked on his door, he walked outside, and we started talking.  I was amazed.  Dean was not only quite talkative on this particular evening, but he was pretty cute, too.  We ended up going out for a bite and wound up at a local watering hole until after midnight.  My world was spinning.  I had hated this guy for his unfriendly attitude for over three years and now... I was interested in him?

If I could go back in time, I would tell my 34 year-old self just to keep on hating Dean and it's okay to not like all of your neighbors.  In actuality, though, I learned a lot in my relationship with Dean.  We were together, off and on, for just over a year, officially ending just before I moved out of my house last July.  These are a few examples of what I learned about myself and what I can and cannot handle in a relationship:

1.  Love him, love Rockband.  Ummmmm... no.  Dean vicariously experienced life as a rocker through this game.  I understand playing it for a couple songs each day... but Dean would play all day and all night... he even had a group of friends that he would "perform" with a couple Saturday nights each month.  The first time he did this after we started dating, he called me at 2 in the morning, when he got home.  I permitted him to come inside the house, and I had a little conversation with drunk Dean, and then sent him home.  I am many things, but one thing I am not is a 2 a.m. booty call after playing Rockband all night.

Dean had other games he liked to play and occasionally I would join him to attempt to be supportive and find some common ground... but I'd rather be outside-- hiking, biking, swimming, walking the lakefront, gardening... anything but hanging out in front of a video game.  Dean wasn't interested in doing much else other than getting lost in the games.  He was 40 years-old.  In my opinion, it's a sad state of being.  On the other hand, I stayed with him for over a year, so what does that say about me?

2.  Foul ball!  One thing we did have in common was a love of baseball.  He had played college baseball for a bit, and liked that I was on a local co-ed league with a bunch of teachers and/or their spouses.  He joined the team the next year.  Everything was great, until one evening when I went over in my uniform, ready to go, and he was sitting in front of the computer playing his historical battle game... Aren't you coming?  You need to get dressed!  

No, I'm not going tonight.  I just don't feel like it.  I left, angry, because I felt like it was a reflection on me that he flaked out on the team.  As my dad says (who liked Dean a lot just not as his daughter's boyfriend) Dean was in it for Dean, and that was it.  Our team ended winning the league championship that season (no thanks to me, I assure you)... Dean wasn't there.  I had chocolate chip pancakes at IHOP that winning night... and they were good!!!  I learned that my boyfriend didn't have to be there for me to enjoy myself. 

3.  You are too good for me.  Over and over again Dean would tell me that I was a good woman, and he was used to... not-so-good women... and he didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship, how to do what normal people do in a relationship.  Even after being together for well over a year he still couldn't tell me that he loved me.

I know, I know... but we were NEIGHBORS!  We would have periods where we didn't talk for a couple of weeks, and then he would come over and tell me that he didn't want us to be over... he just didn't know how to be the man that I deserved.  Arrrggghhhh.  Now I know if I meet someone and we are not evenly matched, it's not worth the pain and aggravation.  This is the relationship that helped me to be honest with Jake in The Date that Launched a Blog after just one date. 

4.  My own personal chef.  Dean often made dinner for me, having been trained in a culinary school, and getting great deals on meat through his job in Publix's Meat Department.  However, because we didn't often eat until 7:30 or later, I packed on the pounds during our relationship.  In June of 2010, I tipped the scale at 155 pounds, which is a lot for my 5' 2" frame.  The very last day of the school year, I came down with a severe stomach virus, which actually started my weight loss effort that summer, which would continue into the following school year.  I have now lost over twenty pounds and I am much, much happier.  Winston Churchill said If you are going through hell, keep going.  Spring 2010 was my own private hell.  I kept going, and I've made it through.  As my Protestant friends say, You can't enjoy the peaks if you don't go through the valleys.  This is so very true. 

I still see Dean when I go to Publix, and occasionally he'll hook me up with a really great deal.  I used to look for him when I would walk by the meat department, but I don't do that anymore.  In fact, if he sees me walk past the window, he'll chase me down in another department in order to catch up.  It's nice to see him, and to chat for a minute, but having both lived through A Tale of Two Neighbors, we know that our lives are better lived apart.  And that's okay.