Otherwise known as, Sometimes You Have to Let Your Heart Get Broken
Earlier today I wrote about my experiences with Victor, the handsome yet incredibly control-freakish Polish-Canadian economist whom I dated 4 years ago. I was trying to focus on how bad that was so that I wouldn't focus on how crummy I'm feeling right now. But yet, 5 hours later, here I am, ready to write, so that maybe I can go bed early and tomorrow will be a better day and have everything that's in my head out of my system.
When I last left you with Jerry, we had plans to make dinner at his place on Wednesday evening, which we did (penne and shrimp w/ vodka sauce), as well as watched "How to Train Your Dragon" in 3-D. Yes, he has a 3-D t.v., which we had discussed at length on Sunday. I had talked about how I thought 3-D was overrated, and then he goes and tells me he has a 3-D t.v... "Oh no, now you hate me!" as I buried my face in my hands. No, I don't hate you, Jen, I've never seen a 3-D movie in the movie theater. I had told him how I thought that 3-D movies were too expensive and the effects just took you out of the movie (Wow, what a cool effect!) instead of focusing on the story. He didn't disagree. But this is not about the 3-D debate. I rested my head on his chest as we watched the movie, and petted Molly as Henry laid on the floor nearby. It felt... really, really nice. When the movie was over we talked some, and smooched some, and he showed me his little notebook of lists of songs that he wants to download and other things that he wants to get done. I felt like he was showing me more of his world. I liked it.
That morning I had gone around the back porch taking cuttings of plants that I wanted to share with Jerry. We had talked of doing a bit of a swap. In the end I put everything into a jelly jar filled with water to take maybe on the weekend. I didn't want to walk around the training I've been attending with plants coming out of my purse. That's a bit too eccentric, and I didn't have time to go home before driving up to Sanford.
But this is not about plants. Or growth. It's about getting stuck.
I asked him if he had read my latest post, and he had, and he liked it, and told me, I feel the same way. That really helped me to feel secure. This wasn't just in my head... he felt the same way. He asked me what I was doing this weekend and I looked at him and said, "Spending as much time as I can with you." Ok! This is what I have going on and he told me about a couple of social engagements and asked me to come along. I couldn't believe it. Meeting his friends already? He must really like me...
Part of me felt nervous because I knew I was developing feelings for Jerry but it was so hard not to. We have similar tastes in movies and music and... we just had so much in common, but enough differences to keep things interesting, you know? It was getting late-- at 10 p.m. much later than I'd planned to stay-- and so I took my leave. We both were getting up early, and I still had close to an hour's drive ahead of me. Thank goodness for the company of satellite radio. (Especially Mumford & Sons. I'm just crazy about their music.)
I could not believe my good fortune of meeting this amazing man who seemed to have emerged from a divorce relatively unscathed. We had talked about it some... I won't go into details, but... I should have known better.
This afternoon, as I left my training an hour early to have lunch with a high school friend in town from Louisiana, I received the you're a great girl and I loved spending time with you, but I'm not ready for a relationship yet so soon after my divorce message. On Facebook. Yep, Facebook. So when I got home I wrote back, and I spoke from my heart.
If I examine myself critically, I probably came on too strong. And it didn't help that he could read my innermost thoughts on the blog. Among other things, I told him the following, and it is true: I can't imagine would it must be like to go through a divorce, but I do understand how it feels to have one's heart broken into pieces and not be quite sure how to pick them up, put them back together, and go on, not quite the same, because maybe there's a little piece missing. Or a big one. I wasn't talking about this little one-week crush, but about other relationships that have left their mark on me.
So here I am, a little ridiculous for feeling like my heart has been torn in two after only a week. I live with my heart wide open, and sometimes it gets stomped on... but I am going to keep on living with my open heart. It's the only way I know how to be.
I left the door open for Jerry to contact me when he's ready, and I'm going to wait about a week or so before returning to Match. Not quite ready to get back out there yet and expose myself to those scary guys taking pictures of themselves with their cellphones in bathroom mirrors. But eventually I will be, and the blog will be here when I am.
Who knows? Maybe this story has a happy ending after all.
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