A friend told me this evening that I write about the flaws of ex-boyfriends very well... but wondered how they might feel if they actually read my blog. In the past 24 hours I had been asked by an ex to write about our relationship after he had read Single, so I was feeling pretty good about how the guys might feel. But maybe not... so... I am doing a bit of a write up on my own very human flaws.
1. I beat myself up. I am wayyyyy harder on myself than anyone else could be. I second guess decisions. I have a hard time believing compliments. I drive myself hard because I have to be the best at what I do. This past year was really hard, because I was a newbie at my job, transitioning from an elementary school counselor to a high school counselor. I don't like feeling like I don't know what I'm doing... and although I was surrounded by a fantastic team of women, (not to mention an awesome pro-guidance administration) who nurtured me and made sure I was brought up to speed, I am so looking forward to soaring this year. Regarding relationships, I usually stay in them far longer after the warning signs have reared their ugly heads... but I believe if I was just good enough to them... then everything would be okay. How wrong is that? But it's also very human.
2. Former commitment-phobe thy name is... I spent my 20s meeting great guys and breaking their hearts. I had a lot of successful relationships in my 20s, most of which lasted a minimum of 2 years... but when it came to getting married... I accepted two proposals (four years apart but still...) but couldn't bring myself to make the ultimate commitment. I believe that the reason I've had such a hard time in my 30s to meet someone that could be a life partner is the way I behaved so carelessly in my younger years. Now... I'm saying, commitment, bring it on! Of course, Murphy's Law dictates that similar minded men are nowhere to be found. They were burned by women like the me I used to be... and now I am paying the price. Karma is a... well... you know.
3. I lose my identity when I begin a relationship. Have you ever seen Runaway Bride? That's me. I almost always become the twin of the man I am in a relationship with. Navy girlfriend. Academic snob. Surfer chick. (Okay, I still can't surf but I tried! And I spent a lot of time on the beach.) Enabling caregiver. You name it, I've been it. A few years ago I dated a dad from the elementary school I worked at (I know... what was I thinking???) and I knew I had to break up with him when he called me Jenny as he was dropping me off at home one Sunday afternoon. I haven't been "Jenny" since I was in middle school... and only a few select very old friends have the privilege of calling me my childhood nickname today. It is when I tire of the other persona I have taken on that the relationship begins to unravel, and ultimately, we break up and move on. I now know that I like my eggs scrambled with Tabasco sauce. (Even better as a wrap.) I drink coffee on the weekends (or decaf with dessert!). I am now in the process of learning how to be myself and not fit into what my partner needs me to be. I want to be loved for me. It will happen. It's the journey, right?
4. I fall fast... and hard. I usually know by the second date if this is going to be a man I could fall in love with. I love to fall in love, and I love what I learn about myself when I am with someone new. I also love that feeling of those first few dates when I still get the butterflies when I look at him. I throw caution to the wind, and live with my heart wide open. Later, when their weaknesses are exposed, it is easy to move on and blame them... sometimes I don't and do my best to make it work... I think that I've truly been in love four times in my life. I've learned valuable lessons from these relationships.... from the others as well. And I believe that everything that I've experienced in the past has led me to now. I've just got to slow down and enjoy the process.
I know there are other flaws but these are the major ones. At least, I think these are the major ones. If you are reading this and you are aware of other flaws, I invite you to post them in the comments portion of the page. Just be gentle. We're all flawed, right? The trick is accepting our flaws as who we are and loving us just the same. At least, that's what I try to tell myself. When I tell these tales about my previous relationships, know that there was a considerable amount of goodness in each of these men, otherwise I would not have been with them. It's just easier, and more fun, to write about the bad bits and what I've learned from them, although I have tried to tell fairly balanced tales. You be the judge. And feel free to call me out when posts seem egregiously slanted. I'd rather be considered NPR than Fox News. And that's as political as this blog will ever get. :-) At least, I hope it is.
Addendum: It is the author's belief that her positive attributes far outweigh her flaws. She freely admits, however, that she is a work in progress, like the rest of humankind.
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